OneWorddotCom: Average

The aver­age mon­key is able to run about 20 miles every day, except for Sun­days, when he needs to have his hair looked at for fleas and tiny insects. The female can’t be both­ered to do his hair on other days of the week because she’s too busy doing her own hair, writ­ing arti­cles for the local news­pa­per or solv­ing qua­dratic equations.

While the average monkey is able to run about 20 miles every day, he hardly ever does so, because it just seems like such a drag. I mean, how often do you actually need 20 miles of running done every single day? Unless you're surrounded by tyrannosaurs or cavemen or you're training for the New York Marathon or something, the chances that you're actually going to have the need to complete 20 full miles of running every single day of the week except for Sundays are actually pretty much abysmal.

The average monkey is able to eat about 732 termites every day. They've actually measured this in a lab, with control groups and their coats and their clipboards and the room that has a mirror on one side but you can see through on the other side. All very professional. They could probably eat more, but their tongues were getting sore from the tiny scissor things the termites have on their mouths. You see, you can eat a couple of hundred and you might be amused by the tingly feeling, but after having 500 or so the tongue starts swelling and your gums start feeling like they're not there anymore and you feel like your teeth are starting to fall off. So 732 is, more or less the number of termites the monkeys had eaten in the study before they started thinking, "Y'know what? I think I've had enough termites for one day. This shit can't be good for your teeth. Besides, this can't feel good on the way out*." Then they swear they'll never eat termites again so help them God, and that they're starting a new vegan diet, effective the next day.

Then the people conducting the study would give them a fresh new bowl of termites the next day, and they would crave into the temptation again. "Why fight your own nature? We're wired that way. Besides, I miss the tingles." The relationship monkeys have with termites is pretty much the same as humans have with alcohol.

I don't mean that a monkey goes to a bar where they serve termites to hook up with monkeyettes. I'm just saying that if you ever wonder why you can't keep your promises to yourself, maybe you should start looking at your distant cousins for evidence of a genetic inability to keep away from the things that make your head feel like it was smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick. So the next time your buddies start giving you grief for finding you in a dumpster behind a Chinese restaurant in Helsinki, just refer them to that study and I guarantee you'll be all laughs. Like, really.

Notes:
* Yes, I'm sorry you had to read that. But, you see, that's how the monkeys talk and we just have to accept them as they are.