by lodo
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Confession of a hack

I’ll be honest and not try to dress up the truth. My writing is crap. I like the idea of writing. I have memories of sitting down with an idea and just letting he idea come out, letting it plaster itself in paper like light leaving its traces on film, and leaving a story that even I am excited about reading. Now I don’t even know if those memories are real. It’s been way too long since those moments supposedly happened, and it may very well be that I always wrote crap and just didn’t realize it.
People used to tell me that I wrote like Garcia-Marquez. They were probably being nice, but let’s imagine for a moment that I did. At the time I felt annoyed. I didn’t like his writing and wanted to be different, not one of the many that tried and failed to reproduce his style. Maybe if I had explored that route, I would at least be a little more readable right now.
But I did not, and it may have something to do that I’ve written almost nothing. I was only enamoired with the idea if me the writer, but didn’t really walk the walk. Just kept thinking my time would come later and for now I’d just relax, biding my time until the great idea came. Then it would be just a question of start writing and riding on the free ride that was my raw, unbounded talent.
But that never happened, did it? And if I ever was somewhat decent, that time is gone, if my talent was ever there, it’s now impeded by the gooey gunk that is my self-doubt and lack of writing momentum. So the idea of what to do comes easily: maybe I should just write.
I used to have many ideas, many characters coming alive in my head, but didn’t nurture them, told them that they should wait until they could live out their lives. But they couldn’t wait forever. They’re now all dead and now I’ve forgotten their names and what they looked like. I forgot who their parents and children were, and what their lives were like.
Maybe I should just start writing and let all the crap that’s going to come out, come out. Maybe when I’m out of crap, the good stuff will start showing.
Well, then why write crap and publish it? Why not wait until I have something worth reading?
So I got this blog. I’ve had this website for ten years and have never done anything with it. Honestly, the thing that’s forcing me to write is the feeling that I get every time it’s time to pay for the hosting and domain name and knowing it’s just sitting there accumulating dust. So he idea is that I might as well use if for something, like posting my crap writing until it’s no longer crap. Assuming I eventually get better, I guess it will be interesting to see how crap evolves into not crap. If I don’t get better, it might be a good case study about how not to be a talentless hack that won’t admit he’s got no chance.
I don’t need anybody telling me I suck. I already know it, but I think I’m going to let the comments section open so I can get feedback if anybody cares enough to leave any. At least the spambots should give me some entertainment in my hours of boredom. So what do you think, hypothetical reader? Any tips for getting out of a 15-year rut?